


Equilibrium

by DreamingKate



Category: Glee
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, M/M, Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, attempted suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-04
Updated: 2014-07-04
Packaged: 2018-02-07 11:53:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1897974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamingKate/pseuds/DreamingKate
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blaine lives a life of extremes and wants nothing more than to get to the middle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt by anonymous: Kurt finds Blaine when he’s about to hang himself from a tree

           Blaine’s life was a struggle to balance extremes.

 

            It started when he was fourteen. Trying to deal with the bashing left him emotionally splintered. Some days he was so depressed that he couldn’t even get out of bed. His parents would tiptoe around his door as he slept for hours. Other days he was furious. His entire body would shake with anger and he was hardly able to stop moving, energy racing through him.

 

            He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few months later.

 

            Medication and therapy helped as well as a punching bag whenever things became too much.

 

            But then he cheated on Kurt.

 

            The entire time Kurt was away Blaine found himself swinging from extreme to extreme. He felt like a zombie walking around school, not able to remember where he had been just moments before. Talking to Eli helped. Kissing Eli helped. Having sex with Eli helped. The entire time they were together Blaine felt that fire in his skin, feeling reckless and wild. As soon as Eli left the room he felt that familiar crash.

 

            It was one of the worst crashes in a long time. He only fell lower when Kurt broke it off with him. Blaine felt like he was dead. Not dying, dead. He knew his heart was still beating and he was still breathing but couldn’t feel anything.

 

            It wasn’t until after Sam approached him with the idea of starting a Superhero Club that things began to go back to equilibrium. He was able to smile. He was able to laugh. He was finally feeling alive.

 

            Blaine should have known by now that good things don’t last.

 

            It started off with the insomnia. Blaine wasn’t able to sleep and instead would clean his room in an attempt to get rid of his racing thoughts. He would organize and reorganize his closet, feeling anxious when he had to redo it because it wasn’t perfect.

 

            “Hey Cooper!” He said quickly as soon as his brother picked up the phone. “Have you seen my lavender button up? I need to find it because I have a spot for it and an empty hanger but no shirt. Did you take it the last time you were visiting?”

 

            “Blaine it is two in the morning here,” Cooper said, obviously covering his face with his hand.

 

            “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I didn’t realize! I just really need this shirt. I’ve tried to organize my closet but without that shirt it’s not right. This just isn’t going to work it’s…”

 

            “Have you taken your medication?” Cooper interrupted him.

 

            “Yeah…”

 

            “Blaine it’s important. You’ve had some trouble lately and it’s making me nervous,” Cooper’s voice was soft but it still caused a spike of anger to rush through Blaine.

 

            “I know! I can take care of myself!”

 

            “I just worry about you little brother,” Cooper sighed. “I always worry about you.”

 

            “And that’s what makes you a good brother,” Blaine smiled, tapping his fingers against the wall.

 

            “That’s what makes me the best brother ever,” Cooper laughed. “I’ll call you in the morning okay? Get some sleep.”

 

            He finally got his closet into some kind of order by five in the morning and lay in bed until his alarm rang. As much as Blaine hated to admit it he knew that this was a mania episode. But after being at the other end of the spectrum for so long he wanted to feel happy for a little while.

 

            However, what goes up must come down.

 

            The depression crashed over him with an intensity he had never felt before. His parents were out of town on a business trip and he just felt so lonely. There was no one there. There wouldn’t be.

 

            Just hours ago he had come across some pictures of Kurt smiling with Adam. Stupid, attractive, British Adam. Kurt wasn’t coming back to him. There wasn’t any chance.

 

            So he had broken into his parents’ wine cellar and drank half a bottle of wine. Blaine hummed through a few of his favorite songs as he kept drinking, hoping that maybe he would feel that same giddiness he did whenever he drank. Somewhere in the back of his head he knew that his medication reacted to alcohol and that he was drinking far too much but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

             _Oh simple thing, where have you gone?_

_I’m getting old and I need somewhere to rely on._

The alcohol was dulling some of the pain in his chest but underneath the buzz he could still feel it.

 

             _So tell me when you’re going to let me in_

_I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin._

Tears sprung to his eyes and he curled up slightly on the couch, body trembling with sobs.

 

             _I came across a fallen tree_

_I felt the branches of it looking at me._

_Is this the place we used to love?_

_Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?_

Realization hit him like a truck. In the backyard there was this huge oak tree that’s branches almost spread out over the entire yard. When the weather was nice he would take Kurt outside and they would lay under the tree, holding hands and staring up at the leaves.

 

            Kurt had someone else. His parents had Cooper to be the perfect son. Cooper was in a serious relationship. His friends were happy.

 

            It was the perfect time to leave.

 

            Once he realized that Blaine felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He downed another glass of wine before walking into his parents’ room and taking one of his father’s belts.

 

            His mind swam when he stepped out into the chilly night air. Peace flooded his veins as he dragged a table over to the lowest hanging branch and looped the belt over. His heart began to pound a little harder as he tightened the belt around his neck.

 

            Just step off the table.

 

            Really quick.

 

            No one will have to deal without again. They are all finally happy and Blaine only ever messes things up. Just the image of Kurt’s face crumpling when he told him about Eli was enough to make his knees give out.

 

            Instantly, his breath was stolen and he felt his legs kicking wildly. His lungs frantically tried to gasp in air but it didn’t take long before his vision began to dim.

 

             _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._

Kurt’s face was at the front of his mind and he felt such relief. His legs stopped jerking and he felt the struggle for air lessen. For the first time in a long time he felt right. He felt like he finally reached equilibrium.

 

            Vaguely he felt himself being grabbed and lifted but couldn’t care. He was so close. Pain exploded through him as his body gasped in a breath and seized.

 

            “Blaine!” A voice pulled him farther away from that place.

 

            He gagged and choked hard, eyes opening into slits to see Kurt’s horrified face. Kurt’s hands flittered around him for a moment before he put his phone up to his ears.

 

            “…my boyfriend tried to hang himself…he’s breathing…”

 

            Every breath was agony. Every second he was still alive was excruciating.

           

            “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” He choked out, unable to suck in enough air before passing out again.

 

            The next time he opened his eyes everything was white. He felt bandages around his neck and something holding tightly on to his hand. Dazed, he slowly looked over to see Kurt’s red rimmed eyes.

 

            “Thank God,” Kurt sobbed, taking his hand in both of his hands. “Thank God. Thank God.”

 

            “K’rt?” He croaked out and Kurt winced at the hoarseness in his voice.

 

            “What the hell were you thinking?” Tears flashed in his eyes. “Do you have any idea how scared I was? I walked in on your dangling from a fucking tree branch!”

 

            “I’m sorry.”

 

            “Don’t ever do that to me again!” Kurt pushed him hard. “Jesus Christ! I come over to return a sweater and you’re halfway to dead. I thought you were dead when you passed out again!”

 

            “Sorry,” Tears began to trickle down his cheeks and Kurt broke down sobbing. “I’m sorry Kurt.”

 

            “They said your medication reacted badly with the amount of alcohol you were drinking,” Kurt’s voice was soft. “You were on medication for bipolar disorder and never told me?”

 

            “It wasn’t important.”

 

            “You just tried to kill yourself,” Kurt spat. “It was important.”

 

            “I just…I thought that you have Adam now…”

 

            “I don’t want Adam. I want you,” Kurt’s eyes were bright and shiny. “I’ve only ever wanted you. I was terrified because I thought I was going to lose you and I don’t think I can live without…”

 

            He pressed his hand into his mouth and his body shook hard.

 

            “You called me your boyfriend,” Blaine rubbed at his throat. “You said my boyfriend to the 911 operator. That’s all I heard.”

 

            “It just came out,” He smiled a little. “I guess it’s something I’ve always thought in my mind.”

 

            “So…”

 

            “So you’re going to get some help. Your brother is on his way and is completely freaked out. I want to help you though,” Kurt wiped his eyes. “I want you to get better.”

 

            “I’ll try,” Blaine whispered.

 

            “You talk to me. Whenever these thoughts go through your head you call me,” Kurt choked out. “I can’t have you die. I care about you. I love you.”

 

            “I love you too,” Blaine whispered, eyes wide.

 

            And slowly he could feel himself move a little closer to the middle.


	2. Forte

Everyone says that Blaine was born a musician. He was singing before he was three. He was playing the piano at five. He was playing the guitar at seven. He was writing his first song at twelve.

But after the attack it was like his brain only worked in dynamics. He was forte; loud, sudden, forceful. He was pianissimo; soft, timid, sleepy.

When the gunshot went off it was like a switch was thrown. Although he was never at a medium, he was usually close. Mezzo-piano or mezzo-forte.

Hiding under the piano he felt his heart pound, his mind race, and his mouth go dry. It was like the symphony in his brain had exploded into fortissimo. Every panicked sob, cry, and scream only added to the symphony and his body reacted.

It was almost impossible to sit quietly and so still under the piano when his body shook with the tension and noise in his head.

Blaine knew his brain didn’t work the way everyone else’s did. As soon as the all clear was announced everyone sagged with relief. He could clearly see the exhaustion and stress roll off of them but his didn’t. It was like his brain didn’t get the message that things were okay and he knew eventually it would overcompensate and suddenly become pianissimo.

So he lay in his bed, mind reeling with the echoing orchestra of gunshots and sobs. He knew it had been a few days but he couldn’t sleep. The first night Blaine had stayed up with his parents until his mother all but forced him to take his medication.

He just wanted the music to stop.

He just wanted to go to sleep.

Well…there was one way…

He remembered how it felt when the belt tightened around his neck. He remembered how it felt when he started to slip away. He remembered what it was like when the music stopped.

But…he also remembered how Kurt looked at him. He remembered the sobs. He remembered the way Kurt’s hand felt in his.

His hands shook as he dialed Kurt’s number.

“Blaine?” A small smile spread across Blaine’s face. “Why are you calling so late?”

“Did I wake you?” He winced when he realized how fast he was talking.

“It’s okay. What’s going on?” He heard the rustling of sheets.

“I just needed to hear your voice,” Blaine was trembling, pressing the phone against his ear so hard it began to hurt.

“I’m so glad you called,” He could picture Kurt’s small smile.

“Me too,” Blaine nodded quickly on the other side.

“What’s going through your mind?” Blaine ground his teeth together.

“I’ve been thinking about that gun going off. I know it’s stupid and I know it was Coach Sylvester’s gun that went off accidentally but I can’t stop hearing it and I can’t…” Blaine rambled; feeling like his mind was spinning and running away from him.

“Honey,” Kurt anchored him. “Take a breath.”

Blaine took in a trembling breath.

“I can’t sleep,” He whimpered. “It’s like the panic and fear won’t leave. It’s like the switch in my brain that should let me go back to being relaxed is broken. It’s like I’m broken.”

“You’re not broken,” Kurt soothed.

“I think I am,” Angry tears filled his mind. “I want it to stop.”

“You just need to breathe.”

“I can’t!”

“Blaine,” Kurt’s voice made his take in a shaky breath. “You need to calm down. Just breathe for me sweetheart.”

Blaine gasped for air and let out a whimper when his brain slowly went from triple forte to just forte.

“Okay…”

“You’re safe. Everyone is safe. I know it’s hard for you to bring yourself back to that happy medium but you can do it,” Kurt’s gentle voice calmed him down. “I know it’s hard but you can do it.”

“Can you sing for me?”

“Of course,” Blaine let out a sigh and closed his eyes as Kurt began to sing. “Never knew I could feel like this…”

As Kurt sang Blaine felt the orchestra dimming in his head, making way for Kurt.

He knew he wouldn’t really reach that medium but he was okay with that as long as Kurt could help drown everything else out.


	3. Pianissimo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompted by anonymous: Future!fic for bipolar!Blaine, Kurt is worried because the period of depression (I’m not familiar with the terms, sorry) is a lot longer for Blaine than it usually is

Kurt had only ever heard the louder part of Blaine’s bipolar disorder. He was used to the medium volumes where Blaine was his normal self, smiling and excelling in school. He was the thoughtful, charming young man that Kurt had fallen in love with.

                Then sometimes it got too loud. Blaine would get distracted and unable to focus on the smallest thing. He couldn’t sleep and all but would talk constantly, his words tangling together. It was like a music run that never ended. Each note just slurred into the next and eventually would get twisted together.

                He had noticed sometimes when the music got softer. Blaine would get quiet and lose himself a little in his own head. It was easy for Kurt to bring him out of the mood though and to bring the volume up more to the middle.

                But this was different.

                This wasn’t just piano. This wasn’t just pianissimo. This was a whisper. This was a breath of noise.

                Kurt had collapsed into bed, exhausted after a long day at work. He glanced over to where Blaine was curled up tightly on his side and moved forward to gently kiss his shoulder.

            As soon as his lips touched Blaine’s skin the younger man’s body jerked with a sob.

            “Blaine? Honey?” Blaine’s shoulders shook harder as he cried.

            “’m sorry,” Blaine murmured into Kurt’s chest as he was gathered into his boyfriend’s arms.

            “It’s fine,” Kurt kissed the top of his head. “Can you tell me what’s going on?”

            “I don’t know,” Blaine shook his head a little.

            “Okay,” Kurt nodded, knowing that his boyfriend couldn’t explain it sometimes. “That’s okay.”

            Blaine cried for almost an hour before he fall into an exhausted sleep.

            “Hey,” Kurt kissed him behind his ear in the morning. “Wake up. You have class in an hour.”

            Blaine scrunched his face up a little and burrowed further under the blankets. He finally groaned when Kurt continued to nudge and shake him.

            “Kurt…I don’t want to get up.”

            “I know,” Kurt grinned and shook him again. “But you have class.”

            “Kurt!” Blaine snapped, shoving his hands off. “Let me sleep!”

            “Oh…okay,” Kurt paused. “I’ll just let you go back to bed.”

            “I’m sorry,” Blaine opened his eyes and Kurt frowned when he saw the tears. “I’m sorry…I just…I can’t go this morning.”

            “You’ve been working hard,” Kurt gave him a warm smile. “You just rest and be lazy today.”

            Kurt expected Blaine to greet him at the door when he walked in. There was always a rush of noise and laughter as Blaine waved him over.  Maybe Blaine was not feeling good this morning but he always was there to talk to his boyfriend about his day.

            But it was too quiet.

            “Where’s Blaine?” Kurt asked Rachel as they walked in.

            “What?” Rachel looked around. “Wasn’t he in class?”

            “No, he wasn’t feeling well,” Kurt glanced into the partition, seeing Blaine still curled up on the bed. “Has he even come out of there?”

            “I had no idea he was home,” Rachel shrugged. “Is he sick?”

            Kurt ignored her and crept into the room, climbing onto the bed. He gently pressed his hand against Blaine’s cool forehead.

            “Hey,” Blaine mumbled, cracking his eyes open.

            “Did you go to class today?”

            “What time is it?” Blaine slurred slightly, rubbing his face.

            “Almost…six.”

            “What?” Blaine sat up, grabbing his watch. “No…I can’t have slept for that long.”

            “Are you feeling alright? You don’t have a fever…”

            “I think…I might be having an episode,” He sighed, forcing himself to sit up. “Like a depressive episode or something.”

            “Did you take your medication?” Kurt rubbed his hand over Blaine’s arm.

            “Yeah,” Blaine nodded to the pill box on the bedside table. “Sometimes this just happens. I’ll feel better soon, this will pass.”

            “Do you need anything?”

            “No,” Blaine gave him a small smile. “I am pretty tired though.”

            “Think you can eat anything?” Kurt asked, already getting up to grab something from the kitchen. He returned with a sandwich and tea, handing it to his boyfriend. “I’ll just be out in the living room working on my music theory homework.”

 

    “Okay,” Blaine took a sip of the tea. 

 

    Later when Kurt came back in he frowned at the sight of Blaine fast asleep and the untouched sandwich on the bedside table. 

 

    Kurt thought that the volume would pick up. He was just waiting for the music to rise but it didn’t. 

 

    Days passed and Blaine could hardly get out of bed. Kurt hated how he was getting used to feeling his boyfriend shake with sobs next to him. He hated how he was getting used to having to force Blaine to eat. He hated how he had started to worry.

 

    If Blaine was suicidal when the music was too loud what would he do if the music stopped? 

 

    “Please,” Kurt begged. “Sweetheart. Just get out of bed and eat in the dining room with us.” 

"I’m tired."

For the past few days Blaine had only left the bed to take a shower. After a while Kurt insisted that he sit on the bathroom floor to make sure nothing happened. 

"You’re scaring me," Kurt lay on the bed and gathered Blaine up in his arms, looking down into his exhausted eyes. 

"I’m scaring myself," He all but whimpered, tears springing to his eyes. "Usually I only feel like this for a short time. This is the longest I’ve felt like this."

"And you’re taking your meds?"

"Yeah," Blaine nodded. 

"Maybe you should go see a doctor and get another prescription?" Kurt rubbed his arms. 

"Those medications make me feel so out of it. It’s like I feel nothing. It makes me feel empty," Blaine was trembling. 

"That has to feel better than this."

"Kurt…I’ve explained it to you. I feel best when I’m in the middle. When the music is the perfect volume. I hate it when it’s too loud or too soft. I don’t…I don’t think I can deal with everything just…stopping."

"Blaine…"

"If something is there then I am still alive!" Blaine spat. 

"Hey, you’re alright," Kurt squeezed him tightly. 

"No," He let out a sob, shaking harder. "You know how when you’re given a really hard riddle and it’s all you can think about? It completely consumes every thought and you have no idea what the answer is. That’s what it is like. I know there’s no reason to be depressed and I keep trying to find a reason but I can’t. It’s all I think about."

"I can help you," Blaine shook his head.

"There is nothing to understand. It’s not a reason it’s fucked up brain chemistry. It’s not something I can fix or something anyone can fix," Blaine shook his head. "I’m sorry you have to deal with this."

"I wouldn’t change you," Kurt kissed his forehead. "I kills me that I can’t fix this for you. I’m here for you though. I’ll be here."

For three days Blaine stayed in bed. He hardly ate and was so listless that Kurt was about to call a therapist. Kurt had started spending all his time with his boyfriend, terrified that something would happen. 

"I’m just scared," He whispered as he took a sip of the coffee Rachel handed him. "He’s not himself and he’s not coming out of it."

"Kurt…"

"I mean…he may not be on the right medication and he is just…"

"Kurt…"

"I can’t even sleep," Kurt shook his head. 

"Kurt!" Rachel nodded at something behind him and Kurt spun around. 

"Can I have some toast and eggs?" Blaine asked softly, dressed in baggy pajama pants and a t-shirt with his wet hair clinging to his forehead. 

"Of course!" Kurt took his hand and steered him to the table. 

And when Blaine smiled up at him as he ate his breakfast it made it worth it. That small swell of music made it worth it. 


End file.
